What Am I Doing Here?

May was a crappy month.

The move was an expensive exercise, leaving me particularly short of cash, and leading me to worry how I will cope paying a higher rent. Given that my bank account regularly dips into overdraft by the third week of every month, I have reason to worry. Enough is enough, I thought. I chose May to be the month when I'd get my spending under control, even if that meant my social life was non-existent for four weeks.

But the frugality of Monk Month May was not my only source of worry. After a warm start to the month, the weather quickly turned foul. Cloudy skies and a constant drizzle of rain are not my idea of spring, but they defined the weather pattern for more than two weeks. My depression seemed bottomless, and I found myself asking a familiar question in recent times, what am I doing here?

It's been very easy - too easy in fact - to waste a lot of time on this question. I loved my first seven months in London, but there was an undeniable still-born quality to the proceedings. I felt that half of me was elsewhere. It's easy to blame London for the break-down in my relationship with Paul, when I now understand that is not the reason... and it's too easy to romanticise about the ease and comfort of life back home in Brisbane.

And now, when my thoughts turn to the future, I am just as easily confused.So what happens now? After all, London was intended to be my gap year. Now, and not by my own choice, it is the short- and medium-term, future. If thinking about the past saddens me, and thoughts of the future scare me (senseless), it's easy to understand why I keep asking, what am I doing here?

I now understand that the answer to the problem is hidden within the question. Asked and answered, so to speak, because in my pit of depression I was doing nothing! There are (lots of) things about London that brought me here in the first place. And even when the madness of London life approaches a fire-and-brimstone vision of hell, those reasons prevail. I would be foolish to buck this opportunity, or not take advantage of all that is on offer. No-one in my family, and very few of my friends for that matter, have had the opportunity of living and working in London. Mum and Dad have been wonderfully supportive these last few months - calling me most days - and offering tidbits of advice along the away. As Dad says, I should be grateful for what I have, rather than lamenting the loss, or absence, of what I don't have. This simple advice is so true, as it's all too easy to fall into the trap of middle-class whining, and whinge about what has happened, and could have been. And as for the future... well, if 2006 has taught me anything, it's that expectation is the mother of disaster. For the time being, I'm learning to live in the moment.

So with all that in mind, I have been trying to take in as much as I can. Here is a list of the things I've done, and the places I've visited, in recent weeks. Follow the links to see my photos:

- The Sultan's Elephant - no words can give justice to this spectacular £1 million street theatre experience. Imagine a giant marionette elephant, made of wood, and powered with hydraulics, walking through London's streets. There was also a gigantic marionette girl, who rode on the elephant, and sewed cars into the pavement. The Royal de Luxe theatre company staged the production, commissioned by the French cities of Nantes and Amiens to celebrate the 100th anniversary of the death of Jules Verne. My photos aren't that great - captured on my camera phone - so also check out other photos on Flickr.

- London is gorgeous in the warmer months. Everyone hears a lot about London's bad weather, but very few people take the trouble to mention how beautiful it is when the sun shines. New York may be physically impressive, best viewed with some distance... but London is a dreamland when the sun shines, and built on a human-scale. As soon as the weather is warm enough, the parks are full of sunbathers and friends partying in the sun. Be sure to check out my photos of Primrose Hill, my favourite spot in all of London.

- With the warmer weather, I've discovered that working Londoners love to lunch in the sun. Temple Gardens is located just near The Firm's offices, and I often eat my lunch here. Shakespeare set a pivotal scene in Henry VI Part I in Temple Gardens. It is here that opposing parties pick a red and a white rose respectively, heralding the start of the War of the Roses.

- Temple Gardens are part of a larger complex comprising the Inner and Middle Temple, both of which are Inns of Court, and have a historical connection to the Knights Templar. Within the Inner Temple you will find Temple Church, which will be familiar to fans of the book and film of the The Da Vinci Code. The movie was filmed here. The chaplain was not pleased, and has published a book discrediting the quasi-factual basis of the story. For those who are interested, in the movie, the protagonists arrive via Middle Temple Lane, and leave via Fleet Street.

- I was terrified to move out of Covent Garden, for a dozen reasons - all silly. Thinking back now, the most silly of all is to think that I was scared of living in an unfamiliar place. Isn't that what I came to London in search of? Once I got over all that, I realised how exciting it is to have a new 'hood to explore... that 'hood being Holborn, Farringdon, Clerkenwell, Smithfield, and the nearby Barbican Centre.

- I've been to the theatre four times in the last six weeks. First up was Royal Hunt of the Sun. I saw this because it was written by Peter Shaffer, he of Amadeus and Equus fame, and brother of Anthony Shaffer (whose work I adore). The show was very colourful, but I was tired... and left in the intermission. 'Nuff said!

- Also in May I caught one of the final performances of Smaller, starring Dawn French and Alison Moyet, and directed by Kathy Burke. The jokes come thick and fast, but ultimately the play is a tearjerker, concerned with two sisters dealing with the death of their mother.

- Next up was two one-act plays, performed back-to-back by the same company. Greg organised this little outing for us, and it was beaut. I forget the names of the plays... but that has more to do with the very late night of drinking in Soho that followed... on a school night too. Ouch!

- And most recently I went to a preview performance of Evita. This is my favourite of the Webber-Rice musicals. Perhaps Eva's story of struggle appeals to a gay man... perhaps the lyrics concerning Eva's triumph over Buenos Aires appeals to me... or perhaps I've watched the movie too many times! I loved every single minute of this new production. It's the first time that You Must Love Me, written for the 1996 film, is incorporated in a stage production.

- Kurt's school had its annual fair in May, which was quite fun. The school is adjacent to Richmond Park, which we drove through for a quick look. The park is beautiful - and huge, covering hundreds of acres - and is populated by wild deer, which you can see in one of my photos. Richmond Park is 12 miles from the City, and yet there is still a protected view of St Paul's Cathedral from a particular spot in the park. This means that not only can you see the dome of the Cathedral from this spot, the view is protected by law, and no building can ever obstruct it.

- I love architecture - and there is a lot to love in London - so you can imagine that I was over the moon when I happened upon the New London Architecture Exhibition at The Building Centre. This is London's first permanent exhibition dedicated to the wonderful variety of new architecture in the city. The primary exhibit is a huge 3-D model of the city, as shown in my photograph. The new buildings are grey.

- A set-jetting trip took me (and Troy) to Guildford, a market town south-west of London, on the River Wey. A scene from The Omen (1976) was filmed at the town's huge art-deco cathedral, located on an imposing hilltop overlooking the town. This is where Damien had a panic attack, when he realised his parents were taking him to a house of God. It's a great scene, and a wonderful location to visit, looking just as it did in the film. The cathedral is signficant for being the first to be built on new ground, in southern England, since the Reformation. We also visited Guildford's castle ruins in the centre of town, just near a cute high street, and an unfortunate chavvy shopping centre.

As I finish this post, I'm embarking on a new adventure. I arrived in Salzburg a few hours ago, with plans to explore not only this city, but also to venture into Bavaria, to visit Berchtesgaden, Hitler's Eagle's Nest, and Neuschwanstein Castle. If there is any one single reason why I'm in London, it has to be the city's accessibility to Europe. It's taken me a few months, but it's nice to finally remember why I am here.